My friend, the detective
by psycho-rag-doll
Summary: One of the gang's favorite television actresses is in New York. Not only that, but she's in MacLaren's! The gang welcomes her, becomes friends with her. Because after all, how often does this happen?
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story doesn't really have a place in a certain season. I enjoy watching the show, but haven't been able to watch episodes in order except for season 1. I've seen other episodes, placed randomly on the television guide. My details may not be up-to-date with the current episodes, but that shouldn't be an issue for you, because I wrote the story for me.**

_2030_

Kids, television these days isn't what it used to be. Back then, we had characters that we loved and wanted to be like. Episodes had real story lines. But today, it's all 'reality' shows. And as scripted as they might be, they can't beat the shows your uncles Marshall and Barney, aunts Lily and Robin, and I used to watch. Back in 2010, we actually met one of our favorite TV actresses.

_2010_

It was a lazy summer night. Business at MacLaren's was somewhat slower than usual. We were seated at our normal table. Your uncle Barney was at the bar, hitting on some woman. Your uncle Marshall was in the bathroom. Aunt Lily and Aunt Robin were talking about something that I wasn't paying attention to, and I was trying to signal to a waitress that we were ready to order food.

At that moment, I got a text from Marshall. It said he wanted me to meet him back by the jukebox. Deciding that mine was a lost cause with the waitress, I went. When I got back to the jukebox, Marshall was bouncing from one foot to the other.

"Forget where the bathroom is?" I asked.

"Dude, look over there."

I looked in the direction he was pointing. "What am I looking for?"

"Not what. Who."

"Okay, who am-" At that moment, someone caught my eye. "Oh, my God. Is that-?"

"I think so."

"What's she doing here?"

"No idea."

"Have you talked to her? I mean, are we sure it's her?"

"I didn't want to scare her off."

"Maybe we could get Barney to-"

"Dude, I just said I didn't want to scare her off."

I laughed slightly and noticed I was doing the same bouncing thing Marshall was. And my bladder was empty.

"Okay, okay. What do we do? Do we go talk to her?"

"Yeah, sure. I mean, she's a person, just like us." Marshall said. Then he looked at me, slight fear in his eyes. "Right?"

"Well, she's not a robot." I said. Then I took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's go."

With that, Marshall and I walked towards her table. When we got there, we just kind of stood there, staring. She was oblivious, staring into her drink. But she must have sensed our presence, because a few seconds later, she looked up at us.

"Can I help you?"

"Hi," I said. "My name's Ted, and this is Marshall."

"Nice to meet you." she said. Her voice sounded just like it did on TV. I was almost one hundred percent certain it was her.

"I don't want to bother you, and I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but-"

"I'm not interested."

"What?"

"Look, you two seem like nice guys, but I don't want to sleep with you."

"I'm married." Marshall said.

She smiled at him. "Congratulations, man."

"And I wasn't asking to have sex with you." I said. "I just wanted to ask if you were Amy Kinser, from _L.A. Detectives_."

"Yeah, that's me."

Marshall and I looked at each other in shock. One of our favorite actresses from one of our favorite shows was sitting in our favorite bar.

"We are such huge fans of the show." I said.

"You're kidding."

"Why would we be kidding?" Marshall asked.

Amy propped her head up on her hand. "Just my luck," she said to her drink. "I come to the least-crowded bar in the city with the lowest ratings and **still**manage to find fans."


	2. Chapter 2

I must have still been in slight shock from meeting her, because that comment went right over my head. "I don't mean to impose," I said, trying my best to be casual. "But do you want to come join us with the rest of our friends? We were just about to order some food. And they also love the show."

"There's more of you?" she asked. She drained the rest of her drink. "Sure."

"Really?" Marshall said.

She shrugged. "I could use a refill. Maybe I'll have more luck getting the waitress's attention in a group. Especially a group of regulars."

'Good luck,' I thought. But I didn't dare say anything that would make her change her mind. "How'd you know we were regulars?"

"The way you present yourself. You're comfortable here. You obviously come here a lot."

"Awesome. Well, spot on with that. Right this way."

I led her to our table and grabbed an extra chair for her. "Guys," I said as I set the chair next to Barney's empty one. "This is Amy."

Lily and Robin looked up and their eyes got really wide.

"Oh my gosh," Lily said. "You're Amy Kinser."

"We watch your show all the time." Robin said.

"So I hear." said Amy as she sat down.

"Amy, this is my wife, Lily." Marshall said, sitting.

"And this is Robin." I said, also sitting.

They both held their hands out. "It's so nice to meet you." they both attempted to say at the same time.

Amy smiled and shook both hands. She didn't seem to notice that the chair next to her was empty. I was slightly dreading introducing her to Barney.

"We were just about to order some food." Lily said.

"If we can ever get the waitress over here." Robin said.

I silently cursed Robin, sure that Amy would leave knowing that our luck was as bad as hers. But she simply looked to the left and saw a waitress. "Excuse me," she said.

The waitress turned, looking somewhat pissed at being called to. But her face brightened when she saw who'd called. "Ohmigod, you're Amy Kinser!"

Amy sighed. "Yes. Yes, I am. And my friends would like to order." We all looked at each other. Amy Kinser had just called us her friends. Holy crap.

"Of course. Anything." The waitress came over, pen poised over her notepad. We all ordered. Then the waitress looked at Amy. "And for you, Ms. Kinser?"

"Call me Amy." The waitress looked like she was going to faint. "Just get me whatever's best here. And another Shirley Temple."

The waitress took Amy's glass and almost ran towards the bar. She almost ran into Barney, who was making his way back to the table, looking slightly damp, as if the fine woman at the bar had thrown her drink at him.

"What's her rush?" he asked.

"She was just excited to get her idol a drink." Lily said. Amy rolled her eyes slightly, a small smile on her face.

"But I didn't even order." Barney said, sitting.

"Oh, so you're the one the world revolves around." Amy said. "Nice to finally meet you."

Barney looked somewhat taken aback and then realized who he was sitting next to. "Amy Kinser, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Sorry. I don't kiss and tell."

"Neither do I." said Barney, starting to 'move in'.

"Barney, you always tell us about your escapades, even when we don't want to hear about them." I said.

"Especially when we don't want to hear about them." Lily said.

"So, Amy," Robin said. "Do you write your own dialogue on the show? It seems like you've got some pretty good comebacks up your sleeve."

"Not really." Amy said. "I usually let the people who get paid to write the scripts figure out what I'm going to say. But sometimes I'll say something different if I'm feeling it. Sometimes they use it, sometimes they don't."

At that moment, our waitress came back, tray loaded with food. She gave us all out food and then handed Amy a huge plate covered in nacho chips, drenched in cheese. "Here," she said, a huge smile on her face. "I made sure they left the beef off, since I know you don't eat it."

"Thanks, Casey." Amy said, smiling at the girl.

The girl looked amazed that someone like Amy would bother to read the name embroidered on her shirt. She ran off to the kitchen.

All through dinner, we asked Amy questions about the show. "What's it like playing such a snarky detective opposite Ryan Jacob's easy-going character?" I asked.

"It's… I don't know. I mean, some of the cast jokes that I was typecast, since I'm 'such a bitch'."

"You don't seem like a bitch." Marshall said.

"After ten minutes with them, you'd all be bitchy, too."

"Can you give us any hints as to what's going to happen during the second half of this season?" Lily asked.

"She can't do that, sweetie. It'd go against her contract." Marshall said.

"We won't tell anyone." Lily said.

"What do you want to know?" Amy asked.

"Are you and Ryan Jacob going to get together?" Barney asked.

"In the show or in real life?"

"Both."

"Guys, should we really listen to this? I mean, wouldn't it be better to wait until the episode airs? More suspense?" I asked.

"SHHHHH!" said everyone else.

"In the season finale, he's going to kiss me last minute, leaving a cliffhanger the audience will cling to until we start the next season. And in real life…" Amy drained her drink. "Not a chance in hell."

"Really?" I asked.

Amy nodded. "I hate the bastard."


	3. Chapter 3

We all sat in silence for a moment. "You hate him?" Marshall finally asked.

"Absolutely."

"But… you guys have such good charisma on the show." Lily said.

"That's why it's called acting." Amy said. "On the show, we have to get along. But the minute that last camera shuts off, I'm back to hating him for all he's worth."

"Why?" Robin asked.

"Because he treats me, and everyone else, like sidekicks. Like it's his show and we're lucky to be in his presence. He's an ass. He's one of the reasons I want to quit."

"Quit _L.A. Detectives_?" I asked.

Amy nodded. "I just don't feel that there's anything there for me anymore."

"So why don't you leave?" Lily asked.

"My contract. Apparently they own me for another season."

"I could take a look at it, if you wanted." Marshall said.

"Really?" Amy asked.

"Sure."

Amy smiled. "Thanks. I can get it to you tomorrow."

None of us questioned why she was wandering around New York with her contract. We figured that's just what actors did. Instead, we told her where we lived so she could find us in the morning.

Amy stood up. "Thanks for everything, guys. I'll see you tomorrow."

"How'd you like to see me earlier than that?" Barney asked. Yeah, he was still trying to get with her.

Amy looked down at him. "Let me guess," she said. "You're one of those guys who has a list of all the different kinds of women you want to sleep with. You've crossed off dozens upon dozens upon dozens, and you're just itching to cross 'TV actress' off the list."

"More like hundreds, but I won't hold that against you."

Amy just continued to look down at Barney. Then she shrugged. "Eh, why not." she said, writing down her hotel and room number on a napkin.

"What?" we all said. Barney just sat there with a smug look on his face.

"He's the only semi-good looking guy here who isn't married." she said, handing the napkin to Barney. "And I'm bored."

"What about me?" I asked.

"I already told you I didn't want to have sex with you. I don't want to go back on my word."

"Burn." Barney said.

"Don't get me wrong, you're an awesome guy." Amy said. "Just not my type. Plus, you don't want to sleep with a girl just because she's bored, do you? That's not your style."

Amy started leaving and ran into Casey. "Hey," Amy said. "How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing." the waitress said. "It's on the house."

"Well, at least let me pay for my friends-"

"That's all on the house, too."

Amy looked at the waitress. Then she took a marker out of her purse and signed the waitress' apron. "Thanks," Amy said, capping the marker and heading towards the door.

"Oh, my gosh." Casey said. She squealed with glee.

"Seriously, can we get a check?" I said, sure the waitress had been lying about our food being free.

"It's on the house." she said, walking away, staring at her apron.

"Can we keep Amy?" Marshall said.

"She's gonna be asking to keep me after tonight." Barney said, standing. "See you guys in the morning." Off he went, napkin in hand.

"Do you really think she's going to sleep with him?" Robin asked. "Or do you think she gave him a random hotel and room number?"

"I hope it's the latter." Lily said.

The next morning, Amy came out of the bathroom in her robe, toweling her damp hair.

"Morning."

She turned towards the bed. "You're still here?"

"Why wouldn't I be, babe?" said Barney, stretching.

"Because you're the type to leave when the girl's back is turned."

"You said you liked it when you had your back turned to me."

Amy gave him a look of boredom. "Well, as long as you're here, you want some room service?"

"I'll service your room."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"I'd like to see you try."

A punch to the arm later, and Barney was quiet.

Later that afternoon, I was home along. There was a knock on the door. I answered and found Amy standing outside.

"Hey," I said, still slightly sore from her comment last night.

"Hey." she said. "I brought my contract for Marshall to look over."

"He's not here." I said, hand out for the contract. She handed me a manila folder.

"Thanks." she said. She started to leave. "I'm sorry if I offended you last night."

"No, it's fine." I said, stopping her. "You're right. I don't want to sleep with someone just because she's bored."

Amy smiled. "I knew it."

"Do you want to come in?" I asked. "Marshall and Lily should be here soon. We could go out, give you a tour of New York?"

"I'd like that." she said, stepping into the apartment. "Nice place."

"Thanks. Did you really sleep with Barney?"

"Jealous?"

"No." That was a small lie. "I just think you can do better."

She turned towards me. "I'm not looking for a relationship. I was bored. He was there. That's all." She looked at me. "Thanks, though."

"For what?"

"For caring."

I stood there, somewhat dumbstruck. I wasn't the best at reading people, but the way she said that made it seem like she didn't have any friends.

At that moment, Marshall and Lily came home. Since I was still standing by the door, I got hit in the ass with the door.

"Sorry, man." Marshall said. "Hey, Amy."

"Hey. I brought my contract over for you."

I handed the envelope to Marshall. "I told her we should give her a tour of New York tonight."

"That's a great idea." Lily said.

"When are you heading home?" Marshall asked.

"Five days."

"This contract doesn't look too hard to go through. I can do it tomorrow."

"Thanks again for agreeing to look over it."

"Let's go guys!" I said. I loved New York, and I loved sharing my love with others. Amy was about to get the best tour of her life.


	4. Chapter 4

I called Robin on the way out the door and she joined our tour group. I think Amy was really impressed with the tour. It wasn't a normal tourist tour. No, we gave her the tour of the real New York. The stuff that doesn't make it into guide books. The stuff that only real New Yorkers knew and cared about. She really seemed to be enjoying herself.

After a while, Robin brought up a question I think we all had hiding in our subconscious. "Amy, we've been walking for almost two hours and hardly anyone's come up to you for an autograph."

"Maybe you guys scare them off." Amy said.

"Is this unusual?" Lily asked.

"Kind of. Which is why I came here."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"New York has the lowest ratings for _L.A. Detectives. _You guys are more into medical dramas and those fake reality shows. I had to get away from the show. If I went to the Bahamas or Hawaii or, God forbid, Disneyland, like the rest of the cast, I'd be mobbed with fans."

"But there were still people who knew who you are here." I said. "You had two people ask for an autograph today."

"They were tourists, not real New Yorkers."

"How do you know?"

"They wanted to know how to get to the Statue of Liberty."

"Right."

"So… do you resent us for being fans?" Marshall asked, a slight hurt in his voice.

Amy looked at him. "At first I did. But then I realized you weren't the crazy fans I usually deal with. You were human."

"So you like hanging out with us?"

Amy smiled. "Absolutely."

By this time we'd made it back to MacLaren's. We headed inside to get our usual table with the newest member of our gang.

"She actually shouted my name at the end."

"Barney." Lily said in disgust.

"Yeah, like that. Only louder."

"Actually, I'd been thinking of all the things I found more exciting than your performance. I just happened to get to that loveable children's show when you decided to finish early. I vocalized so you wouldn't feel bad."

We all sat in shock. Amy was certainly putting Barney in his place. Marshall high-fived her.

"Well. Aren't we feisty tonight." Barney said. "Too bad you didn't have this much energy last night. Maybe then I wouldn't have had to do all the work."

"What's the matter, Barney? Don't you like catty women?"

"I prefer them doggy style." Barney held his hand up for a high-five but was left hanging. "Oh, come on. Mine was much better than hers."

"I'd say we're pretty evenly matched." Amy said.

"You wish you were in my league."

"Why would I want to go down a few levels?"

"You two fight like a married couple." I said. I glanced at Lily and Marshall. "Present company excluded."

"What about you, Amy?" Lily asked. "Anyone you've got your eye on?"

"Please." Amy said. "All the guys I work with are dorks."

"How about the women?" Barney asked.

"You assume that since you didn't rock my world, I must be a lesbian?"

"It's a theory in progress."

"I'm not a lesbian. Though after last night, I might consider it."

"I don't have to take this." Barney said, getting up. "You just lost your chance at a second night in heaven. I'm going to find someone who'll appreciate me."

"That one over there looks like she doesn't have a brain. Try her first."

Barney left and Amy took a sip of her drink. "Was that too harsh?" she asked.

"No." we all reassured her. "You're just the first one to bring him off his cloud." I told her.

"About time, too." Robin said.

Amy smiled. "Well, I should get going. I've got some things to take care of tomorrow." She looked at Marshall. "You think you can get through my contract by tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, sure. No problem."

"Awesome. Well, how about you all come to my hotel suite tomorrow night? We could order food, drink beer…"

"We're in." I said.

"Great. Tell Barney he's invited, too. Unless he has someone better to do."

We watched her leave. "Guys," I said. "Did we really just get invited to Amy Kinser's hotel suite?"

"Best. Day. Ever." Marshall said.

When we got home later that night, I decided to do a little research on Amy. Nothing stalkerish or creepy. Just… okay I guess it was kind of stalkerish. But I had a reason. I had a theory that I wanted to try and prove wrong.

Her father had been a producer for a popular sitcom when Amy was little. Her mother had died when Amy was three. She started out appearing in a few commercials that aired during her father's show. She was also involved in the drama department in her high school. She attended UCLA, which is where the director for _L.A. Detectives_ had found her. Surprisingly, Amy was only twenty-nine. She seemed so much older.

But no matter how many articles I read, or how many pictures I looked at, I couldn't find a single person who was a friend to Amy. There weren't even any horrible paparazzi photos of her with boyfriends. Was it really possible that Amy Kinser, snarky detective, had only the five of us as friends?


	5. Chapter 5

The next day Marshall worked hard on Amy's contract. After hours of consulting books and rereading the contract, he found a loophole that could get Amy out of doing another season of _L.A. Detectives_.

That night when we went to her suite, he told her the good news. "Thank you so much, Marshall." she said, hugging him. Then she pulled back. "Sorry for invading your personal space."

"It's okay." Marshall started to say.

"I already invaded your personal space." Barney interrupted, even though that really didn't make all that much sense.

"Nice to see you, Barney. How was last night with the bimbo?"

"Legendary."

"Well, I'm glad you decided to come."

"Please. I'm only here because I left my watch here."

"You mean the one on your wrist?"

Barney looked down. "Shut up, Kinser." he said, pulling his sleeve down and heading for the couch.

Amy's suite was beautiful. It wasn't tremendously over-the-top, which is how I imagined most actors wanted their suites when they traveled. There was plenty of food and drink. Everyone started in. While they were distracted, I pulled Amy aside.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Ted."

Then I realized you can't really ask someone, especially a popular TV actress, if she has friends besides you and your gang. "We're going to miss you when you go back to Hollywood." I said.

She looked at me a little weird. "That's not a question." she said.

"You're right." I said. "I guess the question I was trying to ask was… are you going to miss us when you leave?"

"Are you kidding? Of course I'm going to miss you. All of you. You guys treat me like a normal person. It's refreshing."

"That's what friends do." I said.

She smiled at me. "You know, that tour you gave me was incredible. I could tell how much you loved this city. Kind of made me want to live here."

I laughed. "Maybe you can move here when you retire."

"Maybe."

At that moment, Marshall stuck his head around the corner. "What are you two doing? You're missing all the food!"

We followed him and joined the rest of the group. I swear Barney gave me the 'did you just tap that' look, but I ignored him. During the night I would occasionally glance over at Amy. She seemed really comfortable in our group. I could almost see her as a regular. I realized that it shouldn't matter if she had other friends or not. We should still be the best friends we could to her.

As the night wore on, we eventually decided perhaps we should go home and try to get some sleep. Amy understood. "I would like to see you guys some more before I leave."

"Absolutely." I said. "That would be great." I looked back into the suite and saw Barney still sitting on the couch. "Come on, Barney."

Amy turned around. "Still looking for your watch?"

"Yes. And I'll continue looking for it all night long."

"Just be quiet about it."

"Only if you are."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Goodnight, Ted."

"Are you sure you want Barney here?"

"I think I can handle him."

"Oh, you can handle me alright." came a voice from within the suite.

"Alright. Well… see you later, I guess."

Amy smiled and shut the door. I stood there for a minute, wondering why Amy allowed Barney to stay. Then I decided that I didn't really want to know. I headed towards the elevator and went down to the street where Marshall, Lily and Robin were waiting.

The next few days went by quickly. We hung out with Amy almost every night. Eventually, the day of her flight back home arrived. We all went to the airport with her. We stood by security, saying our goodbyes.

"It was so nice to meet all of you." Amy said, giving us hugs. "I know where I'm taking all of my vacations from now on."

"Thanks for giving us a chance, even though we're fans." Marshall said.

"Thanks for not being crazy stalker fans." Amy said with a smile. She looked at her watch. "I'd better go. Thanks again."

"Stay in touch." I said.

We all watched as she got in line and walked through the metal detector. And then she was gone.

At MacLaren's that night, we all stared at the empty spot where Amy's chair had sat.

"These past few days seem so surreal." Robin said.

"Yeah," Lily agreed. "Did we really meet Amy Kinser, star of _L.A. Detectives_?"

"Oh, we met her alright." Barney said. "I've got the bite marks to prove it."

About a week later, a package arrived. It was addressed to all of us, even though Robin and Barney didn't live at the apartment. Inside was a letter.

"Dear friends," I read aloud. "I just wanted to thank you, once again, for all the nice things you did for me while I was in New York. Your friendship means more to me than I can say. Please enjoy these gifts. It's the least I can do. Love, Amy."

Inside the box were smaller wrapped boxes, each with one of our names on it. Inside those were shirts that said 'L.A. Detectives'. Not only that, but they were all signed by the cast. We all looked at Barney, the man who never wore t-shirts. But he wasn't holding a shirt. He was holding a signed tie. And a brand new watch. "Try not to lose this one." he read from the watch's tag. "She digs me." he said, looking up at us.

We all had something extra in our packages. Robin and Lily got some designer makeup, the kind they used on the show, according to the tag. Marshall got a little golden statue, like an Oscar award. It said 'World's Best Lawyer' on the bottom. And for me, a replica of the Chinese Theater. On the tag, Amy had written 'This is the most beautiful building I've ever seen. I'm sure it has lots of obscure architecture facts you can tell me, next time I visit'. I was touched. And she was right. I did know some facts about its architecture.

I knew we were all thinking the same thing- we couldn't wait for Amy's next visit. We loved our new friend, the detective.


End file.
